“My mind was hard wired at that time. Yoga and tantra softened the experience, and still ~ I observed the battlefight that was happening within.”



What Do I Mean by “My Mind Was Hard Wired”?





When I say my mind was hard wired,
I’m naming a very specific internal configuration


— not just “stress,”
not just “overthinking,”
but a neurophysiological pattern shaped by years of survival-based orientation.




Here is the precision Of my experience 



1. Hard-wired = A Dominant Predictive Control Loop


My mind was operating from a loop where:

  • anticipating threat felt safer than being present
  • planning felt safer than sensing
  • analysis overrode intuition
  • control overrode connection
  • certainty overrode curiosity



This is a classic state where the brain keeps trying to run simulations
because it doesn’t trust the moment itself.

I perceived it as mental stubbornness.
Later I learned it is protective neurobiology.





2. Hard-wired = A Nervous System Bias Toward Hypervigilance




Internally, my system was primed to:

  • scan the environment for micro-danger
  • tighten muscles before anything happened
  • contract the breath
  • compress attention into a narrow, problem-solving tunnel



In meta terms:
my autonomic set point was tilted toward fight-flight activation,
even when the outer reality didn’t require it.




3. Hard-wired = A Split Between Awareness and Sensation



Even when and if I practiced yoga and tantra

— even when I had moments of softness


I could still observe a persistent split:

  • my mind tracked risk, outcomes, contingencies
  • my body tracked sensation, connection, relational cues





These two systems were not yet in cooperation.


They were negotiating.
Sometimes even competing.

I felt exhausted, even when resting.

That negotiation is what I called a battlefight.



It felt like:

  • the mind pushing forward

  • the body asking to slow down

  • the mind forecasting
  • the body sensing
  • the mind wanting to brace
  • the body wanting to feel




This is the subtle war between top-down control
and bottom-up attunement. As far as I perceived it.




4. Hard-wired = Internalized Leadership Models That Prioritized Control


At that time in my life, without fully realizing it,

I was carrying leadership patterns that equated safety with:

  • knowing the answer
  • choosing the direction
  • being responsible for everything
  • staying ahead of danger



But the mountain—and Atla—required a different leadership system:

  • shared sensing
  • attunement
  • responsiveness
  • connection
  • presence




This shift was not conceptual.
It was an internal collapse of the old wiring


and a repatterning toward embodied relational navigation.





5. Hard-wired = A Mind That Believed It Had to Lead Alone


This mah or may not be the most important part.



A hard-wired mind believes:

“If I don’t control everything, something bad will happen.”



An attuned body knows:

“If I connect, I am carried. I am informed. I am part of the field.”



Yoga and tantra softened the edges, yes.
They opened cracks in the armor.
But the battlefight remained because the real rewiring 


(Re-Wildening)


would only happen under real, raw conditions — storm, snow, wind, uncertainty


— and a lead dog with a deeper orientation system than mine.



The mountain completed what the practices had begun.






The Meta-Summary


My mind was hard wired
= My neurobiology prioritized prediction, control, and vigilance
over presence, sensing, and relational attunement.



Yoga and tantra softened the mind
= Increased interoception + more flexible attention
but didn’t fully undo the protective wiring.



battlefight within
= competing neural strategies:
top-down control vs bottom-up attunement.



This is what set the stage for an inner transformation:




the repatterning happened not through theory of a mind,



but through embodied relational orientation with Atla. 

And my Pack.